I think everybody looking for work or thinking of changing job feels anxiety around it, I think the current uncertainty around Brexit is definitely heightening that at the moment. I’m certainly feeling it as I come towards the end of my degree, everyday someone asks me what my plans are and honestly I’m no clearer than when I started university. I’ve been telling myself to keep open to do anything when I finish, to be honest most of the time I take a ‘what will be will be’ stance. However since falling ill with CFS/ME, it’s like I’ve watched each door open to me slam shut as I would struggle to do those jobs.
It’s been really strange going from being so career driven and spending my whole life working towards a career, and all of sudden the idea of a career feels so far fetched to me. Realistically I’ll be able to work part-time, or full-time but with a couple of days at home, it’s really dawning on me that I won’t have the career I’d always imagined myself in. It’s really difficult to not feel inferior to everyone, and in no horrid way, I see my friends with these great careers ahead of them and they have so many options open to them, and I am so envious of all the amazing things they’ll get to do.
It might not make sense to others, but i’m finding it really hard to understand why an employer would want to hire me when they could hire someone who was fully able, then I get this crippling sense of having to prove myself and guilt because I have no energy to do anything about it, and it’s simply a vicious circle I find myself caught up in. I’m sure that’s absolutely normal for anyone suffering with an illness, and in the rational side of my brain knows that I can’t be discriminated against, but still there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t worry about my job prospects.
All of this realistically feels very far away and I still have to finish university, but it’s coming round a lot quicker than I like and it’s the one thing everybody wants to know about. I’ve always planned to take a break after university, and I know I won’t be able to walk straight into a job as I’ll need some recovery time, but I still feel overwhelmed at what’s inevitably around the corner.
See you next time pals x